The REAL Sword Art Online
by strangedopamine
Summary: This is the story of Sword Art Online as if it were written by someone who had only watched the anime, and took everything literally. This is meant to be a warped retelling of the original story, as Sword Art Online is actually a story that isn't serious at all, but tries to be serious. Here it is starting with Episode 14!
1. Sword Art Online: The REAL Episode 14

Sword Art Online: The REAL Episode 14!

Universal Century 0079 the world was beginning.

Boom.

Batman decided to become Mcguyver or was it Kirito? I have no idea.

Anyway, Heathcliff had revealed himself to be the guy who made Sword Art Online. The Fat Controller was cross. Kirito and Asuna had just defeated the very large, obtuse bone dragon with the help of the ages of audience who just so happened to be there at the time.

Oh yeah Heathcliff was secretly the guy who made Sword Art Online. The Fat Asuna was cross. Turned out that Heathcliff used the admin powers of brokenness to make him immortal.

He used the strategy of Parafusion to defeat Charizard and win the Indigo League! Kirito, Asuna and the other people who aren't nearly as interesting were also affected by Heathcliff's Thunder Wave attack.

"Oh no." Kirito said, as his face began to go weird because A1 Pictures diverted the budget to Space Brothers. "Kukukukukukuku" Heathcliff chuckled as he then challenged Batman to a duel.

Batman accepted his duel against Joker as he wanted to protect Lois Lane. Kirito fought a brave fight, the artistic budget of the show seemed to go up at this point and so you could tell what was going on slightly better.

Kirito couldn't hit Heathcliff, as he activated his Trap Card at this decisive moment. Yugi had to find a way to beat him.

So then Heathcliff who has a shield that looks slightly funny, launched a flurry of attacks, Goku couldn't keep up and suddenly for no reason whatsoever Chaotsu died.

And Kirito then stabbed Heathcliff and the game was won. Kirito then had a chat with Asuna and Mr Popo, it turned out that Kirito really liked Asuna. A lot.

Although because the game is over, it's time to go back to the real world. Kirito then got up from his hospital bed and staggered down the empty hallway.

-END CREDITS-


	2. Sword Art Online: The REAL Episode 22

Sword Art Online The REAL Episode 22!

AD 2004. The Earth was suddenly attacked by mysterious extraterrestrials. The hordes of UFOs covered the sky. The cruel and most heartless invaders. The fleeing people. The significant difference in technology. The police and defence forces stood no chance, and fell. Then... the Earth met its new rulers...or so they expected. OR SO THEY EXPECTED! GEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

-OPENING TITLES-

In the last episode Kirito had defeated some Charmanders and got his 6th badge from Sakuya and the other one who's name escapes me at this time.

So our heroes headed for the World Tree which was basically a tree where they went a bit fancy and made the trunk look like some white ribbons, because this totally makes sense!

Leafa contains a natural wonder of the world. The Grand Canyon.

So Leafa and Kirito were heading to this World Tree because Dick Dastardly had captured Penelope Pitstop and wanted to win the Wacky Race at Biglittletree ,Utah.

Peter Perfect of Car No. 7 told Leafa that her Grand Canyon was making him feel dizzy. So he told her to make some chocolate pudding for Angelica.

Kirito then started the World Quest. A quest that only involved one place on the map, so the World Quest is actually a breach of Advertising Standards.

Kirito then reported AlfHeim Online to Ofcom and then manged to get David Cameron, Barack Obama, Felix the Cat and David Beckham to support his case.

Meanwhile Aichi was going Crayfishing on Planet Cray. This involved putting a Vanguard card on the end of a fishing rod and pressing A at the right time.

So Kirito started the World Quest and had to get to the top of the World Tree and free Tweety from Sylvester. Granny had to use her sword skills to get past the Foot Clan and defeat Shredder.

Although there were too many Goombas on screen at once and A1 Pictures' Commodore 64 couldn't handle the vast amount of objects on screen. They instead loaded a copy of The Last Ninja.

Kirito then lost all of his life points and died. He then turned into a fireball.

Yum!

Leafa luckily had a bottle of Volvic Revive, It's Ginseng and Guranna and will help keep you a alert! She fed Kirito the bottle of Iron Bru and he was revived.

"Where's that damn forth Chaos Emerald!" Shouted Kirito, who at this point was outside and wondering what the hell he was even doing.

"I need to save Asuna from Ganon!" Exclaimed Link. This was the first time Link spoke.

Congratulations!

Leafa realised who Kirito really was. It was her brother!

Oh No!

Now back in the real world. Kirito wanted to set the record straight with Sugu.

"I'm sorry Kuroyukihime-senpai" said Haru as he wished he never knew they were related.

"I'm sorry onii-chan but I really loved you, but I can't love you because we're related and that would be disgusting" said Sugu as she had many tears down her face. Gintoki started laughing at her pain.

I'm sorry but I'm dieing with laughter right now, I'm sure next episode will be really boring or something so skip it and it'll be as if nothing ever happened.

-END CREDITS-


	3. Sword Art Online: The REAL Episode 1

Sword Art Online : The REAL Episode 1

So I told you what happened in Episode 14 and 22 of this amazing story but I forgot to mention that this story had a beginning. The reason why I left the beginning to now is just because.

So without further ado...

-OPENING TITLES-

Hey guys! Did you like that opening? Well it'll be the only thing you'll take away from this awful...I mean, engrossing story I'm about to tell.

One day in Toyland, Noddy had been waiting for his favourite game to be released. This game was called Sword Art Online.

Persona 4: Golden was an MMORPG which involved putting a colender on your head and then you go into an RPG where only backgrounds look nice. That's because A1 Pictures only know how to make backgrounds.

Kirito who lived in a house with his mother and obsessive onee-chan Suguha decided that is life was not worth living...so he started playing Sword Art Online.

After travelling through Rainbow Cylinder Land and many random circles with hilariously misspelled English, the game started.

Now Kirito, being the vein person he is decided he'd look like he's 20 in game when he's actually 16. Obviously he just wants to keep his image in check although if you saw what was on his head while playing this, you'd wonder why he'd bothered.

In his random walk around town he met another player, this person wasn't interesting to focus on in this story so Kirito met someone else, Sanji from the Strawhat Pirates.

Sanji who sounded like he'd been rejected from Nami one too many times had decided to call himself Klein. He seemed more interested in getting some pizza than the game, even though he could just make one himself.

Sanji asked Kirito how to log out but in a cruel turn of events, logging Sanji out at this time would end the story earlier. So the story demands that the game lock everyone in the game.

The 24 year old, in game Kirito was looking worried. His amazing experience in playing this game before it came out was becoming useless. It seemed like his time as the amazing protagonist was over until a little while later.

So Sanji and Kirito went to the starting town's main plaza and chased Shadow Mario around for a bit because he kidnapped Princess Peach. Once they got the Shine Sprite a mysterious event happened.

A massive hooded figure appeared floating in the sky, surrounded by many signs saying "WANING".  
"Bwahahahahahahahaha!" shouted the hooded guy in the sky (look I made a rhyme!), as he then laid out his plan to the players.

"You may be wondering why you can't log out of this game. Those Beta Testers must be feeling pretty gutted that their sage like advice is useless here. Anyway, I the man who made the game designed this world to keep all of you in it. If you try to escape, the colander on your head will turn your face into spaghetti. Already I've killed 300 people so err, I'm going to go to prison but that would end this story early, so let's say I can't be traced by the police or the Power Rangers. Enjoy your new life in Aincrad! Bwahahahahahahahah!" said the hooded figure as he slowly disappeared.

"Oh yeah, almost forgot. The colander on your head has scanned your entire body so, in a funny twist of fate, let's see how many of you girls and guys down there are who you say you are!" said the hooded figure as suddenly all the players looked like their real selves.

Kirito turned back to a regular high-school student who hadn't been affected by anything in his life. Sanji turned out to be a ginger haired, beardy guy named Klein.

Kirito because he wants to emulate his hero, The Green Lantern, told Klein that he'd rather work alone, he then proceeds to slash a wolf in half. Yay!

-END CREDITS-


	4. Sword Art Online: The REAL Episode 9

Sword Art Online: The REAL Episode 9

Wealth, fame, power. Gold Roger, The Pirate King, attained everything this world had to offer. These words he uttered just before his death drove people to the seas. "My treasure? If you want it, you can have it! Find it! I left everything this world has to offer there!". And so men head for the Grand Line in pursuit of their dreams! The world has truly entered the Great Pirate Era!

- OPENING TITLES -

So you thought this story would go to Episode 2 right? WRONG! I'm an awful person who wants to make this story somehow more unbearable! Straight to Episode 9 we go!

In the last episode somehow Kirito and Asuna managed to reach the 74th floor of Aincrad and had a sneak peek (You'd think I'd say sneak peak right?) through the boss room door...where there's a pretty scary boss of some sort.

So Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry run for their lives as the sight of the terribly awful looking boss was just too much for them. So they then decide to stop for a spot of lunch somewhere in the dungeon.

You'd think this is a clever idea, having a small bite to eat, especially if you're tired right? Well you try eating your picnic near a 30 strong lion pride and you'll understand how silly their lunch break sounds.

So by coincidence, Klein and his band of merry men, merrily meet our lovebirds at their picnic. Also appearing was the US Army except they were really shy and wanted to call themselves 'The Army' or Aincrad Liberation Guild.

'The Army' demands that Doctor Who give them a map of the dungeon, but Billie Piper was having none of it and decided that she was to good for the Doctor and left the show. Kirito gave 'The Army' a map of the dungeon because he's just a nice guy, compared to Asuna and Klein who are awful people...or I would say that if Kirito's map didn't send 'The Army' to their death! In other words they went to that creepy boss room.

Kirito, feeling slightly guilty decided to save 'The Army' from the boss. The boss looked absolutely terrifying...shame it's name is really embarrassing, Akihito was probably very drunk at the time. So yeah the boss' name is... Gleam Eyes.

So Team Sonic charge at the stupidly named boss, as many members of 'The Army' are killed one by one, it's looking pretty hopeless as this Gleam Eyes boss is really difficult...right?

Kirito decides that he's had enough time stalling for time in this episode and decides to pull out not one, but two swords at once!

GASP!

Somehow, Kirito was blessed by the game to get this unique skill of 'Duel Blades'. Zoro sneezed. Anyway, Kirito was impressing his entire harem with this one and Kirito had to stop the scary boss from killing more inanimate 'The Army' members. So his voice actor decided to make weird grunting noises to show all the emotion of Kirito wieilding two swords.

As Kirito proceeded to fight Gleam Eyes, his face started melting again due to the huge amount of money to draw faces correctly when they're fighting things.

Using both of his swords with flashy names (To impress his harem) he used his killer move and made the screen go all weird with all the slashing he was doing, Starburst Steam was enough to make all of the seven remaining members of 'The Army's' eyes stream.

Of course Kirito was exhausted after all that. Asuna, who is hardly mentioned this episode, because funnily enough, she doesn't really do all that much, declared that she didn't want to fight no more.

She's too much in love with Kirito.

Oh dear.

Kirito's amazing skill where he can hold more than one thing at a time, became the talk of Aincrad...until then.

Yosemite Sam showed up challenging Bugs Bunny for a duel!

WHAT!? A DUEL!? ONE THAT INVOLES CARDS!? DUDUDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDUEEEE EEELLLLL!?

No.

This is Sword Art Online that I'm taking the mickey out of, not YuGiOh or that Cardfight Vanguard thing.

Heathcliff challenged Kirito to a duel for Asuna.

How Romantic!

If Kirito won, this story would be over. If Heathcliff won, Kirito would join his clan and still be with Asuna.

I wonder what happens next? Do you think they'll continue the story?

Yes. I've already gone through Episode 14 and 22.


End file.
